I never thought I would be in the situation where Chris and I’s roles would be so traditional. When we first got married I found pride in the fact that we did not conform to old ideas about mens work and womans work. We both worked, both went to school, and housework was about 50/50. He even did all the laundry!
Then we bought a house. Roles became a little lopsided but still…I would often come home to him mopping the floor, or cleaning the shower.

Then we became parents. Okay perhaps I did a little bit more of the work in regards to the baby but it didn’t seem so bad.

Then I quit my job to be a stay at home mom and he suddenly thought that 100% of the house work and parenting work was now MY JOB. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Wake up, tend to daughters needs, clean the kitchen that was dirty from the night before, make breakfast, clean the kitchen again, entertain daughter, vacuum the floor, do laundry, try and do homework, tend to daughters needs every 10 minutes in the middle of all of this, make lunch, clean the kitchen…you get the idea. This is how my day goes.

Every day about 2p.m. I start plotting how I can just go get a job and send her back todaycare. It’s not that I don’t love being home with her, it’s just that I don’t love all the other stuff that goes a long with it. Mainly feeling like all I am anymore is a housekeeper, cook, and maid. Don’t get me wrong those are all valuable professions…but I don’t feel valued.

Things got a little worse when I started school last August. I never realized how difficult it really is to do homework with a 2 year old now 3 year old in the house. I thought it would be a piece of cake…more like stale fruit cake.

This week I have reached my breaking point. I am having Easter at my house on Sunday and guess what? A maid is going to come and clean my house for me. I realize this won’t solve the real issue, but at least it will make me happy for now.

I tried to do a complete strike on Monday…it lasted until about noon when I couldn’t stand living in the sqaulor any longer. There were a few times pre-Eva that I would go on strike for a day when I felt like Chris wasn’t doing enough and that always worked. Now that I am home all day I just can’t stand to be here in the mess.

Some ideas I came up with for a longer term solution.
A. Have Chris give me an actual paycheck every week for all the wonderful work I have done. Oh and monthly reviews where he tells me what a great job I’m doing and gives me a pay raise. -I actually think this would make me feel better but it sounds a little bit creepy. Although I do think not getting an actual pay check is the heart of the issue. For some reason work just doesn’t feel so bad when you aren’t doing it for free. Does that make any sense? Even though I spend the money he brings home it still just isn’t the same.

B. Divide the house so that we are both responsible for keeping certain rooms clean.

C. Make a list of what I do every week and what he does every week and come up with a more equitable list.

I want to hear from others…What do you do to keep things even?

I once learned a communication technique for spouses that goes like this.

At the end of every day each spouse tells the other one:

-something good that happened to them that day

-something bad that happened to them that day

-something the other spouse did to make them mad

-I love you because ______________________

If something comes up in this very short discussion you can choose to explore that further or you could just leave it at that.  For us it usually turns into a bigger discussion, most of the time it is about good things.

Parenting toddlers can be such a challenge and often times cause fights between you and your spouse.  I know for me I thought we had this parenting thing all figured out and that we were on the same page with everything.  ObviouslyI was naive.  There are a lot of times where we disagree with what the other person is doing in regards to parenting.  I think this communication technique can be very effective if you use it to talk about your parenting experiences that day.  Especially through those really challenging stages in childhood.  I find that when I am having a rough day just talking it over with my dh makes me feel better.  Especially when we are able to communicate in a way that is respectful to eachother.

Have you ever said a phrase your whole life without ever thinking about what it REALLY means. This will probably sound odd but it just hit me today what the phrase “in it for the long run” really means. I was driving in my car thinking about how this health journey I’ve been on for the past year is kind of like running a marathon (even though I’ve never actually run a marathon). But anyways I was thinking about how running a marathon is about endurance. It’s not about running as fast as you can it’s about pacing yourself so that you can stay in the race and actually finish your goal. And then it hit me ohhhh, that’s what “in it for the long run” means. It is an actual run and not some obscure concept that has been twisted and stretched so that now the phrase “long run” is said without any real thought of running a long distance.
That’s how my health is for me. It’s not about losing weight as fast as I can so I can fit into that pair of skinny jeans. It is about modifying my LIFE so that I can remain healthy for the REST of my life. For the LONG RUN.
It’s also how I feel about a lot of other things in my life. I’m “in it for the long run” with my marriage. I’m not about just sticking around for the good times and then bolting when things get rough or when “that loving feeling” isn’t there as strong as it used to be. I know that if I stick through the hard times things will get better, and then worse again, and then better again. And when we finish that race together it will be the best feeling in the world. Knowing that we stuck it out and that the rewards were miraculous.
I’m “in it for the long run” as a mom. Even when I don’t know what I’m doing and my daughter has pushed every single button I have, I stick it out and try to pace myself so I don’t lose it. Knowing that at the end of the day I’ll get that hug and kiss that just melts my heart. Then, when I don’t even get that I know that the next day will bring many rewards in the midst of all the trials. Ultimately even if being a mother had NO rewards (which is impossible) being able to finish the race and still be standing at the end is reward enough.
LIFE is the “long run” Sometimes it feels like I’m jogging along the beach, and sometimes it feels like I’m running uphill against the wind. But either way I’m running it and I’m never giving up.

photocredit: flickr

Last night we snuck out of the house to see a movie (Thanks Mom). We ended up seeing Marley & Me because I always wanted to read the book but never got around to it. After getting through the first half hour, which I mostly already saw through previews, it turned out to be a great movie. I came home last night and hugged my dog a little bit tighter. This movie embodies that love/hate relationship we all have with our dogs and how that relationship changes when you have kids, and then grows even stronger as the kids grow older. It‘s not just a movie about a dog though it really is a movie about marriage and kids. How your marriage changes and grows stronger through time and how when you first have kids you say to yourself “What the heck did I get myself into?” But as time goes on you get better at being a partner and a parent, actually you just get better overall.
I am still in that beginning stage of parenting where I am still trying to figure this all out and this was a good reminder to me that….Yes, things do get better.