Sometimes I wonder if pregnancy were an option for me if the decision to add children to our family would not be such a never-ending conversation.  Right now at this very moment I want more children.  I want Eva to have a sister, because I had five of them and they are the reason for my sanity, and my insanity come to think of it.  But I still don’t know what I would do without them, I surely would not be the person I am today.

To give Eva a sister is not the only reason I want more children though.  I want another baby to take care of, to smell, to buy tiny clothes for, to teach how to walk, to use the “big girl” potty, and talk politics to.

If it were as easy as getting pregnant I would tell Chris that it’s time and we would start on it right away.  With adoption it’s not that easy.  The decision whether or not to add children to your family is the easy part.  Adoption is hard.  It involves researching agency’s, making unnatural decisions about age and sex and race, a hefty savings account, and paperwork.  Hours and hours of paperwork.  Adoption involves another set of birth-parents and circumstances that will further complicate your child’s life, and your life, and your current children’s lives.  I already spend so much time thinking and worrying about what the future holds for Eva and the kind of relationship she will have with the woman who gave her life and I wonder if I have the time to think about and worry about those kinds of things for another child.  As pathetic as that sounds.

Then, there are my own ambiguous feelings about adoption.  I never had a negative thought about adopting a child until I started the process myself.  There are so many decisions to make that just don’t feel natural.  So many opinions from people who will never have make those decisions themselves.  And then there is the heart wrenching side of adoption.  The unfairness of it all.  That a woman has to feel like the only way for her precious baby to succeed and be happy is to have another woman raise her.   The feeling likeI am the one getting the large end of the stick.  I have never felt comfortable being the benefactor of someone elses’ misfortune. I would much rather be the one who is suffering than the one causing the suffering.  And I know that by adopting a baby I am not the reason for someone elses’ suffering but it is hard to remember that sometimes.

I have been asking everyone one I know, and even random strangers on the street “How did you know that it was time to add more children to your family?”  With Eva, I had a feeling that hit me like a nuclear bomb one day and I KNEW I had to be a mom A.S.A.P. like my life depended on it.  But now that I am a mom I don’t have that feeling anymore.  So, how did you know that it was time to add more children to your family?  Did the feeling come back or is that just a once in a lifetime kind of thing?

See this sweet girl right here?  This is my daughter.  Evangeline Delia.  She was born in Guatemala.  She has another mother that loves her and grew her in her stomach for nine months.  Another mother that didn’t feel like she would have enough money to feed, clothe, and house her.  So she made the heart-wrenching decision to place her for adoption with a family that lives in a country where food is plentiful.  No mother should ever have to make that decision.

There were other factors involved in this story but truth is that half of the children in Guatemala right now are chronically malnourished.  There has been a horrific drought recently that is causing a terrible food shortage that is making the situation even worse.

Please, if you can, consider helping in any way possible.  Below is the link for a charity called “Mayan Families.”  They are an organization that I trust completely to take donations and provide desperately needed food straight to Guatemala’s poorest.  With little overhead cost.

I am trusting God right now and anyone who donates to Mayan Families this month I will match your donation up to $500 total. Just e-mail me at webmaster@modernmommyblog.com

As I said on my Facebook page the children in Guatemala need food right now way more than my credit card company needs a check.

There is an awesome lady that I know if only through this great social medium we call the internet that has a heart made of gold.

She, like many of us who have adopted from Guatemala, felt compelled to help the children there.  Infants and children living in orphanages who have no other option.  Unfortunately the government there does very little for these places.  So it takes people like Julia to to really make a difference and give these children a chance.

Right now her organization Global Orphan Team is having a raffle with some awesome prizes.  Here’s where it gets interesting.  Julia has committed to SHAVING HER HAIR OFF if they can reach $6000 in donations by Friday night.  They still have a long way to go so get your butt over to Global Orphan Teams website and click the donate button and make this bold lady bald!  Even if it’s just $5.  Every bit counts.

Be sure to scroll down and check out the pictures she has up so you can see the amazing work she is doing there.

This is a picture from their website that touches my heart the most.

and another one that absolutely makes my heart bleed…

Oh and spread the word!

*photocredit – globalorphanteam

Since most people who have not been touched by adoption are not familiar with adoption-friendly language I thought I would post a few pointers.
I know that for me before I became an adoptive mother I had no idea that saying certain things could be incorrect or hurtful.
-Family’s who have adopted do not just have “adopted children” they are “adoptive families”. It is a title the whole family shares not just the child.
-Some birth mothers like to be called “biological mothers” and some like to be called “first mothers”
-Some people just don’t want to always be answering questions about their child’s personal history. So, when you see a child that looks different from their family keep in mind that they might not want to discuss everything. If you are just dying to know you could drop a hint like “Your daughter has such beautiful dark eyes” or “I love her skin tone” and leave it up to the parent if they want to offer more information.
-Please never ask, “Where is her real mother?” Besides the fact that the adoptive mother is also a “real” mother often times if you don’t know the person well this is a much too personal question to be asking. 

-Another phrase to avoid is “Where did you get her?” If you are curious about where the child was born you could say “Where was she born?” or “What is her ethnicity?”

-And please please never ask a parent “How much did she cost?” There are fees involved with adoption just like there are hospital fees when you give birth to a baby. Unfortunately there is no adoption insurance that helps to pay for these fees. Unless you are seriously considering adoption and want to know the fees for personal reasons please don’t ask.

Ultimately us adoptive parents have been there ourselves so we understand that not everyone knows adoption etiquette. Just try to remain respectful of boundaries and conscious of the words you use. The vast majority of people are just curious and want to know about adoption but there are a few that are malicious.

Some things that I never thought twice about before but that now bug me are..
-When people or agencies use the term adopted for animals, highways, or even dolls
-Telling me that my child is lucky (We are the lucky ones)
-When somebody says in front of her “How could anybody give her up?” or “How could her mother not have wanted her?”
-When someone introduces my daughter as… “This is Jill’s daughter Eva, she is adopted.”

It is difficult to know what each persons boundaries are so if you are curious about adoption and want to know more about a family’s experience you can just say.  “I have some questions are you comfortable discussing your child’s adoption?”

For me it depends on what mood I am in that day, although I HATE being caught offgaurd.  I really don’t like being rude so sometimes I just answer the question and then a few minutes later wish I had given a different response.  We do have boundaries about how much information we discuss.  For example details of her biological family are personal to her.  When she is old enough she can choose whether or not to share those details but it is not for us to disclose to others.

Thanks for reading!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the miracle of birth. Since November is national adoption month I wanted to share with you how our daughter came into our family through the miracle of adoption.
Dh and I decided long ago, before we were married, that we would grow our family through adoption instead of making a baby ourselves.
We had a couple of reasons for this decision but basically we both have never had the desire to have a biological child. We felt that there are so many children in this world that need families why make another one?
As we grew up, got married, and bought a house we still really wanted to adopt and decided now was the time. We needed a child to love. The desire in my heart to be a mother was so strong I could think of nothing else. Adoption is not about “saving” a child no more than getting pregnant is. It is about wanting be a parent and wanting a child to love.
Once we decided we were ready to be parents we contacted a few different adoption agency’s and they mailed us their information. We also attended a foster care orientation and learned about all the wonderful ways to adopt a waiting child. After looking at domestic, international, and foster-adoptions we decided that international was the best way for us at the time. There are many different reasons why people choose international adoption. I guess it just felt like the right thing for us. Although now that I have gone through the process I will probably look more into domestic next time, and perhaps one day when our kids are older we will do foster-adopt. I don’t really want to get into all of the technicalities of how one goes about adopting a child maybe I will do a separate post about that later this month.
Mainly I just want to share with you the incredible blessing adoption has been in our lives. I’m sure every parent feels that their child is the most perfect, beautiful, brilliant thing on earth but MY DAUGHTER is the most perfect, beautiful, brilliant thing on earth! Once she came home the year and a half of paperchasing, waiting, paper chasing, and waiting, and more waiting melted away. She was just my daughter and I was her mother. Every time she says those beautiful words like “mommy, daddy, or I love you”. My heart smiles and I know my reason for being on this earth.
Whenever I read on someones blog that they have just brought their child home I cry because I remember what an amazing feeling that was. When I think about her birthmother and her fosterparents I am awe-inspired at the sacrifices they made for this little girl.
Much like becoming a parent is purely for selfish reasons I think that making an adoption plan for your child is the most unselfish act a human being can do.