Sometimes I wonder if pregnancy were an option for me if the decision to add children to our family would not be such a never-ending conversation. Right now at this very moment I want more children. I want Eva to have a sister, because I had five of them and they are the reason for my sanity, and my insanity come to think of it. But I still don’t know what I would do without them, I surely would not be the person I am today.
To give Eva a sister is not the only reason I want more children though. I want another baby to take care of, to smell, to buy tiny clothes for, to teach how to walk, to use the “big girl” potty, and talk politics to.
If it were as easy as getting pregnant I would tell Chris that it’s time and we would start on it right away. With adoption it’s not that easy. The decision whether or not to add children to your family is the easy part. Adoption is hard. It involves researching agency’s, making unnatural decisions about age and sex and race, a hefty savings account, and paperwork. Hours and hours of paperwork. Adoption involves another set of birth-parents and circumstances that will further complicate your child’s life, and your life, and your current children’s lives. I already spend so much time thinking and worrying about what the future holds for Eva and the kind of relationship she will have with the woman who gave her life and I wonder if I have the time to think about and worry about those kinds of things for another child. As pathetic as that sounds.
Then, there are my own ambiguous feelings about adoption. I never had a negative thought about adopting a child until I started the process myself. There are so many decisions to make that just don’t feel natural. So many opinions from people who will never have make those decisions themselves. And then there is the heart wrenching side of adoption. The unfairness of it all. That a woman has to feel like the only way for her precious baby to succeed and be happy is to have another woman raise her. The feeling likeI am the one getting the large end of the stick. I have never felt comfortable being the benefactor of someone elses’ misfortune. I would much rather be the one who is suffering than the one causing the suffering. And I know that by adopting a baby I am not the reason for someone elses’ suffering but it is hard to remember that sometimes.
I have been asking everyone one I know, and even random strangers on the street “How did you know that it was time to add more children to your family?” With Eva, I had a feeling that hit me like a nuclear bomb one day and I KNEW I had to be a mom A.S.A.P. like my life depended on it. But now that I am a mom I don’t have that feeling anymore. So, how did you know that it was time to add more children to your family? Did the feeling come back or is that just a once in a lifetime kind of thing?
seekingelevation says...
A friend of mine told me once that her mother tells the story of always wanting another child until she had her last. And then she just knew that she had all of her children. I go back and forth about having another one myself, but I think because it is still so much of an issue for me, it probably means I need to have another one. I know these issues are easier for those of us who can conceive on our own. It’s very interesting to think about an adoptive mom getting the larger end of the stick. I think the rest of us just see you guys as heroes.
May 11th, 2010 at 5:33 am
Jill says...
Seeking,
I should clarify that the decision not to conceive was ours but now we have medically made it impossible for us (if you know what I mean). It’s hard to explain, but I suppose the option to conceive was never really an option for me. I just have major issues and fears about being pregnant and delivering in a hospital.
I definitely do not feel like a hero, although I think that all mother’s are hero’s.
Jill
May 11th, 2010 at 8:30 am
angrymother says...
Hello, this is close to my heart for two reasons: a) I was 110% sure that Kate was going to be an only child, it was a done deal, signed and closed, for many years, and b) when it happens, it happens, and it doesn’t really matter what you felt and thought before, because it feels like it was always meant to be:).
OK, so five years after my daughter Kate was born, my husband and I finally, carefully and very, very cautiously had a conversation about: maybe, what if, not now, but sometime in the future, maybe, there would be another child, how would we feel? Pretty OK about it, but let’s not rush in to anything. One week later, I got pregnant with Leo. We were so glad that we at least had had the discussion:).
I was always kind of against the meticulous planning of pregnancies because I always felt that things happen for a reason. This is a very ambigous and fluffy kind of philosphy, which conveniently suits people who have no trouble getting pregnant in the first case, so I am willingly holding my hands up to say: might not work for everyone.
I was also in a slightly different situation as neither of my children were planned. We had to kind of go with the flow. It’s not something I would recommend to everyone, but for us it was actually nice to not have to think about it too much before hand. I have friends who are in that frame of mind right now and the arguments really do back and forth. I say to them: you are NEVER ready to have children. I’m still not ready – eight years later:)
May 11th, 2010 at 10:05 am
Heidi says...
I wish I could offer you some insight on this post, but I am advice-less. I’m just leaving a comment to let you know how much I enjoyed this post for its honesty. I would love it if you adopted a second child. (More stories and photos!) I have two younger sisters and I can’t imagine growing up without them …
May 11th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Dandy says...
I’m not sure how anyone decides it’s the right time to have a baby or even harder to adopt one. I mean, is it ever the perfect time? I’m lucky in the sense that I didn’t really have to decide when the perfect time was. I’m a breast cancer survivor and my doctos weren’t sure how extensive the damage to my ovaries was (from the chemo used to fight cancer). So I was told about 1 1/2 years ago that if I wanted to try…and I may not be successful… then I had better do it now. But we were planning our wedding and decided to wait until after. And now I’m pregant and ecstatic.
there is so much more that goes into adoption. Good luck to you!
May 12th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Mom says...
For me, giving birth to a baby you can not adequately care for and then having a married couple want your baby with all their hearts is the hugest blessing for the birth mom! Huge!! Birth mother and father, adopting mother and father are bonded for life and very possibly beyond this life. You and Chris gave a desperate mother (and father?) peace. She imagines the child she gave birth too in an ideal life. That is peace of mind! She knows what she saved her child from. Eva is your beautiful daughter for always! She adores you and Chris. The tears are flowing as I think about the beautiful family you are.
You bless me so! XO
May 12th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
wendy says...
my eldest son was imagining a baby brother and hubby and i were always wondering about how it was to have another baby. then one day, we learned that i was pregnant. it was a joy. and now my 3 year old and 6 months old boys adore each other.
my best friend also adopted a baby boy. i thought the baby was lucky to have them as parents – a CPA for a mom and a lawyer for a dad. but seeing my friend now, they are actually the lucky ones to have him as their baby.
June 1st, 2010 at 6:36 pm
LeftLeaningLady says...
I am a great mom (as I am certain you are) and I deserved to have a houseful of children. I have 1. He is the light of my life. If you can afford to and want to adopt more, do. There is no right answer or wrong answer, just AN answer.
August 6th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
Patricia Eimer says...
I understand exactly where you’re coming from. There is 6 years between my two and I constantly went back and forth — do I want another, don’t I want another, ect. Then one day I just looked at my husband and said yes, I want another one. I’m ready for this it’s time. It was just this certainty that yes this is what I want now. As far as a third? Who knows? Right now that certainty isn’t there.
May 3rd, 2011 at 9:38 am
Online Toy Store says...
Yes, I believe one is NEVER fully ready to have children. If they come, they come. And I know there comes a time when a mother feels that she wants to have a child again. I think what is important is you frame of mind and attitude towards having a baby again, regardless if it is biological or adopted.
June 23rd, 2011 at 2:51 am
Dana says...
Can you please contact me at robin139@comcast.net re: a post you made on adoption.com. I have a really important question for you! I am also the adoptive mom of a Guatemalan-born daughter. Thanks! Robin
December 6th, 2011 at 11:46 am
Nupur says...
I hear you lady,I hear you! I think I agree with Mom above!
February 16th, 2012 at 1:21 pm
ghfool says...
My fairly useless opinion as an STBD father of three on this is do what’s right for both you and your husband…and your continued relationship. That is what’s most important for the children!
April 10th, 2012 at 8:42 pm