Okay, so I guess today isn’t really a tip but more of a plea for help. Ever since my daughter was 8 months old she has had a problem hitting others. Let me just add that I don’t know if her foster mom ever hit her but I highly doubt it. I can tell you that me and my husband have never hit her, not even just a slap on the hand. So part of my frustration is just not knowing where this comes from.
When it first started I figured okay this is just how she is letting out her frustration and it is normal. I still think that but am just so fed up with it. It’s been 20 months of dealing with this and trying to get her to stop and nothing is working!!! She hits me, she hits her dad, she hits (and kicks) the dog, she hits her cousins, kids at the playground. She doesn’t really have to be provoked very much, if a kid just thinks about playing with something that she wants she will immediately reach out and swat them in the face, or better pull their hair out, or even better grab their face and dig her finger nails into their skin.
I know it is her personality, she has a very strong one and know’s what she wants which will be good for when she’s older but how do I teach her to stop hurting others? This is what I’ve done so far.
8-12 months old – Grabbed her hand and told her in a very stern voice “no hitting” then stroked her hand on my face and said “nice”
12-18 months old – Looked her in the eyes told her very sternly “NO NO HITTING” put her down and turned away for a couple of seconds and then dropped it.
18-24 months – Started using time out, talked to her about why hitting is bad, because it hurts and we don’t want to hurt people. Have her apologize to whoever she hurt. Taught her how to tell other kids “I want to play with that”. Many times I would just have to remove her from the situation entirely
24 months – 28 months – At this point I don’t know what to do anymore. I praise her when she is playing nicely. I teach her how to introduce herself to other kids (which does work really well). I use time in if we are at the playground and she does it to another kid. I still just completely remove her from the situation if she does it 2 or 3 times. It happens EVERY TIME we go to the playground and EVERY TIME she is around her little cousins. If she does it to me at home I still give her a time out and that usually works as kind of a cooling off period for her and me.
Everybody I talk to says it will go away when she starts talking more. She does talk pretty well already but I could see that sometimes she just can’t get the words out when she is playing with other kids. The thing is sometimes I just break down in tears afterwords because I am just so fed up with it. 20 months I’ve been dealing with this and nothing has worked!
I’ve thought about completley ignoring it and just making sure that the other child is okay so that she can see she is not going to get any attention for it. I find myself not able to follow through with that though. Has anybody had any success with a hitter? Or do I just hold out hope that it will stop by the time she is 3?
Chelziee says...
My son hit me in the face one time. He was 1 year old. I knew he understood when I said NO I ment it. He did not under stand how it hurt, because he had never been hit in the face. I returned the slap with one of equal strength. No harder than he had hit me. It still hurt him, he cried, and never did it again. Some times you just have to do it. You have to teach them what “hurt” is. I dont think they understand how bad it hurts when they are doing to others. But some people would really disagree with me. Its just what worked for us. So I would say if she hit someone on the face to hit her or let them hit her back. If she hit someone in the leg hit her back in the leg or let the person she did it to. It has to be immediate, if not she will not understand.
-Chelsey
June 8th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
wendy says...
My son used to be a daily recipient of his playmate’s hitting. He eventually learned to hit. Now, he hits when another child doesn’t give him what he wants. We also contend with language barrier (english vs. korean). It frustrates me that he doesn’t seem to learn his lesson by talking and some explanation.
I’m sorry I really do not have any suggestion. I just want you to know you’re not alone.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Jill says...
I have many reasons but hitting her back just isn’t an option. At two and a half I know she knows what hurt is. But if that worked for you and the first time that is great.
June 9th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Nalene says...
Greaaaat, you don’t give me much hope with my soon to be 1 year old
He has started hitting within the past month.
I’ve been doing the whole, showing him how to touch nicely, or giving him a kiss when he hits me, after saying, “no, not nice… do this..” to him.
He, like your daughter, knows what he wants, and is a very determined little guy.
I hope it works itself out positively.
June 9th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Jill says...
Nalene,
I was talking to my mom about it today and felt better when she reminded me that Eva is going to grow up to be a strong determined person. My mom raised 7 kids and the ones that were hard headed are the most driven now as adults. So, there you go.
June 9th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
The Informal Matriarch says...
I know exactly how u feel. My advice is to be consistent then be consistent then be more consistent until it makes you turn green and then be consistent some more.
I WILL eventually go away. Keep not hitting her…forever. I don’t always think time outs are that great. Once I took time outs away and just grabbed my sons hand and said “not ok” it got better. The time outs were frustrating him.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Corina says...
My son was a hitter and bitter from a young age (8 months). He has always been such an amazing, intelligent child otherwise and my husband and I literally tried everything to get him to stop. And guess what? He did grow out of it. I don’t know if it was him going to preschool or him finally sleeping through the night, but now he is the most well-behaved of all the kids he plays with. Keep being a good role model and eventually, once she finds the words (and gets enough sleep), she’ll stop, guarentee it!
February 5th, 2010 at 7:47 pm