I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what is the best environment for my daughter. Let me start by saying that in my young adulthood I never dreamed I would be a SAHM. I always saw myself as a working mommy and denied any wrong in having a child in daycare. I argued that daycare is good for children because they get to learn new things everyday and as long as they are getting quality time with mom and dad at night and on the weekends then it is the best situation. I also just never pictured myself being happy as a SAHM, and I thought that a happy working mom is 100% better then an unhappy mom at home.
My daughter came along…I stayed home for 3 months…went back to work for 10 months…and have now been home with her for 8 months. My reasons for staying home were complex. Although I had a flexible work schedule I was bringing too much stress from my job home. The families I worked with were becoming more and more challenging and the feeling of helplessness was breaking my heart every day. I’ve always heard the average turn around time for people working in social services is 2 years per job. I had been in my job for 3 and a half years. I also thought I was going back to school because with my husbands job I was only going to have to pay 20%. That is too long and depressing of a story to get into here but it didn’t work out.
Besides the stress of work and the promise of becoming a student again I just MISSED my daughter. She was getting to be a really fun age…18 months…and every morning as I got her dressed my heart just ached to be home with her. I longed for afternoon trips to the park and the zoo, story time at the library, lunch dates at the mall, snuggles after nap time. Then there were some complications with her current daycare and that kind of made the decision for me. Enrolling her in another daycare was out of the question. Since she was adopted and had already been through 2 caregivers plus a daycare provider I just couldn’t put her through another big change so soon.
Now that it has been 8 months the monotony of staying home is really starting to wear on me. Being home everyday is not all peaches and cream like I thought it was going to be. You see because my 18 month old little monkey has turned into a defiant 2 1/2 year old. Being the full time mom of a 2 year old takes creativity and patience…two things I do not possess in large amounts. That’s not the only reason I’ve been questioning whether being at home with me is the best for my daughter though. She is a very social person. Slow to warm up but once she does she has a great time. She loves being around other kids, adults, and big crowds. I took her to a playgroup last week and she clung to me the whole time. I couldn’t help but think “Am I sheltering her too much?” “Am I keeping her from all the wonderful experiences she could be having at a child care?” I’m sure at a quality daycare the providers will not yell the way mommy sometimes does. But then they will probably not cuddle her the way mommy does either. “Does that mean I am coddling her then?” “Am I depriving her of learning life lessons without the hovering helicopter mommy watching her every move?” “Am I depriving myself of my career? Of feeling like I am making a difference in the world?”
I don’t have any answers. Just questions. Even with all the questions I am content with where I’m at. I do not regret my decisions or what I’m doing right now I guess I just need to know where all of this is going. I don’t want to stop thinking about my future as not just a mom but a woman who has something valuable to offer society, and I never want to stop learning. At the same time I don’t want my daughter’s world to be confined to this house. I want her to experience new things at a young age. Nuclear and isolated families are something fairly new to humans. I have a strong feeling that it was not meant to be this way. We are social beings and children used to have a lot of people around to play and interact with. Have we gone too far with wanting to shelter our children to our own little world where we can control everything?
I obviously don’t know the answer so what are your thoughts?
Anne says...
I think there are benefits to both sides and parents need to do what makes them comfortable. My kids both went to daycare and they have turned out fine. I know other kids who stayed home with mom and they are fine too.
Good luck, I think it is a tough choice and most people sometimes suffer doubts about their decision.
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Stacy says...
Both mu children are in daycare full time. I have times when I struggle with it. I do MISS them so much. But I know deep in my heart that I could not be a SAHM. I struggle
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:53 am
Ashley says...
Hi Jill,
Are you still hoping to go back to school? If so.. what’s stopping you? Find a Mother’s Day Out program to stick her in a few mornings a week, and take some classes at night when DH can watch her. That way she’s socializing with other kids, you do get to spend more then just nights and weekends with her, you’re going to feel fullfilled because you are learning, and when she begins kindergarten or 1st grade – maybe you can head back to work then? Those years are unfortunately not too far away (sad to say). I think your situation is ocmpletely doable with some creative thinking. I’ve been a SAHM to Madeline since she came home in Jan 2008 – there are days I’m convinced I need to send her booty off to daycare and get into the workforce. But I love being with her everyday, and I don’t trust anyone to watch her just yet. I bet if you went with her to MDO a few times to help her ease into it she would love it- and you would feel confident in your decision.
Just my two cents
Ashley
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
frogmama says...
Can you work part time? Have you thought about looking into a nanny (we found a great one on care.com and she even did housework)–maybe do that part time and daycare the rest (if you don’t want to do daycare full time). I understand completely what you’re grappling with. My husband is a stay-at-home dad (looong story) and our son is going on 2. As much as I love seeing him hang out with his dad, I feel like he’s missing out on stories and coloring and singing with kids his age. When he’s around other kids he yells “this is fun!” and it almost breaks my heart lately. Good luck and keep us posted!
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Jill says...
Ashley,
What’s stopping me from going back right now is money. Maybe next year when we’re out of this whole debt diet thing.
I am thinking about returning to work part time when she is 3 and can start preschool.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:29 am
LeftLeaningLady says...
There are no easy answers. I stayed home with my son until he was 3 and was READY to go back to work. My bff has been home for 5 1/2 years and I think she should have gone back to work 2 years ago. But there are people who are happy to be home forever and they are good at it. We all know you love her and want what is best for her, so always remember that a happy mom goes a long way toward having happy kids.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:23 am
wendy says...
hi Jill, i am a SAHM, too. before i got married, i was working as an international coordinator with the biggest (?) telecommunication company in the Philippines. i was also simultaneously going to law school and i got into the dean’s list. but when i got married and got pregnant, i knew i just had to be a SAHM. no looking back from then on… like you, i am contemplating on working part time when he goes to pre-school but now, i am pregnant again:-). i also had to struggle with the decision of bringing him to daycare or not. i solved it by sending him to daycare for only 2 hours a day for 2 days a week. now that he’s getting used to it and enjoying it, i’m putting him in daycare for 4 hours a day 3 times a week:-) he looks well-adjusted so i think maybe we are on the right track.
goodluck on whatever decision you’ll come up with.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Tina T says...
It sounds like if you can hang in there that the 3 year old years will bring you many more options for working part time once she’s old enough for preschool. My advice would be to hang in there and stay home until then. That said, it does sound like the 2 of you need to get out more. Whether it’s playgroups, moms groups or lots of trips to the park, it sounds like you’ll both benefit from more time away from the house.
As far as whether or not her clinging to you is any indication of how you parent, I think that it’s typical that kids vary between wanting to branch out and then cling to you whether they are home with you or in daycare.
I remember some of those long days thinking that I just wasn’t cut out for being a SAHM. A good friend told me that these are the times when the days drag but the years fly, and now that my boys are almost as tall as me I have to say that I think that it is the most accurate statement I’ve ever heard.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Jill says...
I love my internet family. You always have the best advice.
Thank you everyone!
June 4th, 2009 at 2:05 pm