So I went to a seminar through work yesterday called Conscious Discipline. I was hoping to find some new strategies to use with Eva and I did take away some things that I will use. Remember though I am in no way an expert on this method so if you want a more detailed description please click on the link.

Is was a little difficult for me to “buy in” to everything they were saying but overall I think it is a good concept.  First they described children’s behavior in context of brain activity.

The brain stem, is the pat that tells you when you are in danger.  So when your child is screaming, hitting, and throwing a tantrum really what they are saying is “Am I safe?” This is where you convince your child that they are safe by getting down on their level and talking in a calm but assertive voice.  “You are mad that Sally took your toy away.  You wanted to play with that toy.”  You can encourage your child to take a deep breath to relieve tension.  This makes them feel safe because you are modeling self-control and helping them to get control of themselves.

The limbic system controls the brain stem and is the emotional part of the brain.  When your child goes from tantruming to crying they are really saying “Am I loved?” Basically in order to convince your child they are loved you make eye contact with them, touch them gently, be playful and assure them that you love them.

The cortex/prefontal lobe of your brain is responsible for thinking and reasoning.  After you convince your child that they are safe and loved then their frontal lobe can take over and start to problem solve.  Their brain is ready to ask “What can I do to solve this problem?” At this point they are ready to handle the situation and you can help by giving them suggestions and choices.  “You can offer Sally another toy and tell her that you will let her play with they one she took away when you are done with it.”  If your child goes back to crying, then you start over with “Am I loved?”  If your child has trouble speaking in a calm assertive voice you can say “Make your voice match mine.”

In a functioning adult the cortex controls the limbic system and the limbic system controls the brain stem.  But children still need help learning how to do this.

There was a lot more to the class but these are the main things that I took away and will try with my daughter.  Of course she is only 1 so I will have to stick mainly to modeling a calm state, being assertive yet nurturing, and helping her to breath.  The instructor said that this entire process going from Limbic to frontal lobe can take up to 20 mintues.  I really like this approach rather then ignoring a tantrum or giving consequences.  Don’t get me wrong I still think that sometimes consequences are necesary but if I can teach my child how to have self-control rather than obey me just because she doesn’t want a time-out then I am all for it.  I believe that this approach will teach her priceless life-skills then taking a toy away ever will.

More helpful than even the tools to use with my child I was taught very simple things that I can do to change my attitude and help me to remain calm when she is tantruming. She pointed out that when a child is out of control and is in the “Am I safe?” mode the entire household can start to feel unsafe.  (Ya, I’ve been there. This is when I go in my room, shut the door, and scream into a pillow.)  The instructor suggested that at these times I can tell myself “I am safe.  I am calm.  I can handle this child.”  I know, a little corny, but I think I’ll try it anway.

Keep in mind the instructor said that it takes 2,000 times of doing something with your child before it sticks.  That sounds a little bit lofty to me but I will still give it a try and see what happens.

I want to point out that NOBODY is able to remain cool, calm, and collected ALL the time.  So when you have an “Am I safe” moment don’t beat yourself up, we all have them, I’m sure even the instructors are not “perfect” all the time.

tags: Brain Activity, Brain Stem, Conscious Discipline, Cortex, Deep Breath, Detailed Description, Eye Contact, Frontal Lobe, Limbic System, Self Control, Tantrum, Tension, Thinking And Reasoning